Nintendo Conference Recap: Love is Over

 Nintendo.  What have you done, my old decrepit friend?

I really don't know what to say about Nintendo right now.  I'm sure that the Wii U is going to sell millions, but I feel like it's going to end up being the exact same thing the Wii was: a great hardware install base, but an overall software pick up rate of about 20%.  Trashy.  The touch pad controller looks nifty but I'm waiting to see a game that will use it in a way that isn't a total gimmick.  ZombiU looks like it might be that one, but I won't be sure until I've seen more of it.  Scribblenauts is a game I play on the bus.  Those far-too-beautiful looking people in their demo did not convince me it's a big screen TV type of game.  I wish I were more optimistic about this.


The 3DS presentation was horrible.  They announced 3 new games which should be a cause for celebration, but all 3 were Mario games (yes, I am counting Luigi as Mario.  He's just a green Mario that ate less spaghetti).    Really though, 3 new games and all of them about Italian plumbers?  Come on now.  I've had over two decades of Mario and while Mario will always be Mario, I want something different.  I don't want a rendition of a game I've played 50 times, but that seems to be all Nintendo wants to give me on any of their platforms.

When it comes to the WiiU, I just don't see the appeal.  Their headlining games from third parties are all games that I can buy and enjoy and most likely get the better deal on software quality without spending $300+ on a new console.  What's the draw?  Where's the appeal?  When I want to play Darksiders II, I don't care about what kind of gimmick the touch pad will provide.  I just want to hack shit up with some scythes and solve some  puzzles.  In fact, I think Nintendo should probably take a good hard look at Darksiders 1 and 2 because these are the Zelda games of the current generation.  That said, the first party showing was very lame.  A Lego game.  Another collection of mini games.  Another fitness game.  I'm using the term "game" very loosely here.  I'm sure these "games" will be great draws for people that like wasting money on shit that they'll pick up once for five minutes and then never again, ever.  SiNG was pretty great.  I would play that at a party.  But, for 200 dollars less I could just buy a karaoke machine.

They did not sell the WiiU to me.  There is nothing that's pulling me to it.  A series of games I could play on any of the 3 platforms I already own (PC, Xbox and PS3), newer versions of games I've played for 20 years and games from the last generation of Wii shovelware are not appealing.

I want new IP.  That's what I want.  I've been saying it for years now: Nintendo, I don't care to play Mario anymore.  I don't care to play the latest and greatest Luigi game.  These are games I've played before, and though I'm sure these latest versions are equally as fun, I'm bored with them.  I'm not going to buy a new console to play them.  Bring me a new IP or at least revive some old ones we haven't seen for a decade or more.  Every year brings a new Mario but where's the Starfox?  Where's the back catalog of fantastic Game Boy games you could rifle through and create a new version of?  What happened to Kid Icarus?  What I'm saying is, if you want to make the same game every year that's fuckin' neato and all but at least give us some variety.

Platinum Games probably had the best thing to show for Nintendo with their working title "Project P100."  Unfortunately, Nintendo didn't host it in their show, though they really should have.  The game looks fun, but it looks like the kind of game I want to play on my PS Vita while I'm on a plane, not the kind of game I sit on the couch and jam out to in front of the big screen.  Platinum is one of my favorite developers and I really hope this project proves to be a big hit, even if I'm still not sold on the console.

Pikmin 3 was probably the only truly redeeming thing that they had to show during the conference.  I want to play that game.  But it's not a console seller to me.  It's a good pick up to join the collection of console sellers.  If Nintendo wants to stay in the console war, they are going to need more than just a new Pikmin and Iwata holding bananas.

My body was ready when I went in but I leave extremely disappointed.  E3 belongs to Ubisoft this year to be sure, but I expect far more from the grand pappy of video games.